orangeemad-ness

slightly motivated

2008-01-07T07:45:00.000-08:00

to blog.

after reading pam and ethel's tag, and reading their blogs plus soph and wenbin's.

and also because i read their blogs and what they wrote inside about the recent sj gathering and just reminiscing about the past with their friends, i went to rewatch the vcd the juniors made us for our rod in the year 2004.

so many things to think about, i realised i've led a semi detached life. detached from the people and things that really matter, but no detached enough from all the restrictions others and i have imposed on myself. i should stop being so lazy and start keeping in touch with all my friends, those who have made my life so meaningful and wonderful. those whom i have lost contact with..

im immersed in so much goodness despite being so detached from all my good friends. met up with my sj girls, 4g countdown cum stayover and one whole night of wii at yingxia's, meeting jas and wanzhen with jason, ki and sha after the 2 dancers came back for holidays! and then chalet's coming this wednesday. im still bored stiff at home, with nothing to do. maybe i should start spring cleaning my room. a tad too late some say, when the holidays are nearing an end already. but well, i can still clean up my room after the sem started! i really wonder just what have i been doing with my holidays. meeting up with friends and going out so much that im almost broke. =X but i still didnt manage to meet up with so many people who really really matter.

i felt like calling pam, ethel, wenbin and soph up for a gathering when i read their blog. those memories flood my mind, when we trained so hard for the competition, did so many silly things. sometimes i wonder if i've been trying to purposely hold back some memories of the past, in a bid to become a better person or to forget some things. im really not sure what happened, just feel like i've forgotten so many things, but others remain so vivid in my memory.

new sem new me. hehheh. im so glad there's everything that reminds me of who i was in the past. rv is really such a memorable place.

i used to hate blogging in blogger because they revamped the site, and i being an IT/blogger noob had so many difficulties trying to blog a decent entry. and also because many people had the link to this blog. but now that it was dead for quite some time, only those who really bothers would be here again.

and reading this.

that's your present. hehheh.

gEOk*

from james*

2007-05-19T05:04:00.000-07:00

i look like chui zhi you from winter sonata! haha stolen from james. :) those interested in finding yours can click on the collage above.

not good

2007-04-17T08:28:00.000-07:00

not feeling too good right now. im reflecting upon some details which happened in my school life last time. and i hate the feeling of feeling vulnerable and pretty alone. though im not a super clingy person and i dont need company all the time, i just hate facing the world and everything alone. like they have all gone. you know?

no, i dont think you do. lost that optimism in me. i know it will take some time before i recover that trait which is key to my own happiness. hur.

should start being responsible for myself i guess. just dont think and maybe, improve to become a better person. hmm

in the blogging mood

2007-04-13T07:38:00.000-07:00

the new blogskin makes me want to blog. simply love those models and their style and all! i want to be like them.

feeling not so good because of work and some thoughts running wild in my mind. im just weird.

thursday is my nus interview! im so.. currently peaceful about it but well, i believe i will start fretting soon. hopefully i get to the last round. need to start preparing myself. get into the geeky mood heh.

i still think i need to find somewhere i belong. hahaha. cant wait to get my job over and done with. once again, tgif. a break from the coldhearted, unfeeling office. woohoo!

new blogskin!

2007-04-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

new blogskin. i love!

finally updating this graveyard blog. now my blog's so much easier to use right. haha. so people like hw and co dont complain, but thats if they still come here.

was planning a trip to tw with wt, ki, susan and huiwen. but i think it may not materialise. hard to plan and now some problems are cropping up. arghs.

hearing different comments from different people and it gets me stuck in the middle. maybe im a person mixed between the 2 breeds of people. or maybe im trying too hard to be somebody im not? no matter what those 2 breeds dont understand. sometimes i hate myself for being so weak.

whatever.

jogging later. jy better not pangsehz otherwise i'll go find him at his house. ahha.

finally, my love, what goes around comes around and piano are on my shuffle.

good things in life

2007-02-20T22:29:00.000-08:00

from pam's blog

1. Falling in Love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the Super Wal-Mart.

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail.

7. Taking a drive on a scenic road.

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels out of the dryer.

11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.

12. Chocolate milkshake.

13. A long distance phone call.

14. A bubble bath.

15. Giggling.

16. A good conversation.

17. The beach.

18. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.

19. Laughing at yourself.

20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

21. Running through sprinklers.

22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

24. Laughing at an inside joke.

25. Friends.

26. Falling in love for the first time.

27. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

28. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

29. Your first kiss.

30. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

31. Playing with a puppy.

32. Late night talks with your roommate.

33. Having someone play with your hair.

34. Sweet dreams.

35. Hot chocolate.

36. Road trips with friends.

37. Swinging on swings.

38. Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love.

39. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.

40. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.

41. Going to a really good concert.

42. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

43. Making chocolate chip cookies!

44. Hugging the person you love.

45. Watching the expression someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you.

46. Watching the sunrise.

47. Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.

i wonder

2006-12-19T04:02:00.000-08:00

why do i keep a blog when im not so keen on updating it? i write so much more in od than blog lah. like so ancient already. i kept a blog for wt and the others so that we can keep in touch but wt doesnt write in her blog so often already! and i didnt even tell alot of people about my blog. haha.

i have started work already. at og chinatown lee jeans. i think i made serena (my boss) busier because im so slow at folding jeans and taking stock. maybe she doesnt want me back anymore. i think i offended her cashier friend. haha. then first day so not very close to them yet. they are a bunch of happy people. i wish i can join in soon! there's a malaysian girl who's 18 too. compared to her im so pampered and spoilt because i've got everything taken care of for me but i still dont appreciate my parents for that. arghs. she's more mature and independent. she lives with her cousin in a rented flat in lavender! i admire her for her independence!

actually i really think they wont double my pay when i work on public hols. then i would be so damned. ahhh whatever. anyway i think i will miss the christmas party at the childcare for sure. serena said she needs my help on thursday and she wont be working! i have to work with another girl whom i think is very close to lili they all le! so sad loh. but i didnt really feel left out leh. the job's quite fun apart from some very nan chan customers. ask me take all the big sizes at the bottom and they didnt even bother trying! ^*E($*!(#)!@(#(!# i have to refold the whole stack after that lah. =X anyway, i didnt even realised i stood all day long until they dimmed the lights for closure. not bad for a first day apart from a finger cut. im just not sure if i'll still relish working when its more consistent. food for thought?

another thing i like about working- im in a new environment so its a chance to be somebody new maybe. it keeps me busy with jeans and all so i wouldnt have time to think about other things. im really glad for that. now i think i can introduce you all jeans cutting and designs le. anyway, now the jeans are really cheap so you all can come and buy!

i've said it, and i hope it affects nothing. let things stay, they are better that way.

shalene!

2006-12-06T07:49:00.000-08:00

went out with my dearest friend of 8 years today! went shopping in town and talked about lots of prom and common friends. [read: siyu] ahha maybe someday the 3 of us should go out together and we can insult siyu together. heh. i bought a red top and im very happy because its fitting and im into red today! im updating for sha because she complained i didnt update. =D its really a nice feeling to be out with her again because we hadn't been on a one-to-one date since dont know when. old friends are still the best. they never leave you and you always have alot of memories to share. and definitely you feel no distance because old friends are linked by the heart!

for all the little people who come here, http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r187/geokiex/prom/

heh, prom pics of mine but there should be more to come! wait til the lazy ri boys start uploading and sending to me. =D

i want to thank james! if he's reading this.

so now its later

2006-12-02T02:18:00.000-08:00

haha im finally back. my comp died on me again so its been quiet here even after the As have ended. been busy with meeting up with friends and burying myself in detective novels. im recommending ian rankin! he's good and all the horrid gruesome details become so tangible in his books. not exactly a good thing but its proof of his writing skills. heh. im becoming more and more like a bookworm already..

tomorrow's prom and im worried i wont look good lah. if im bringing a camera then i'll have photos to post here! ahah. im pretty drained and have stuff to do to prepare for tomorrow's prom.. so im going off. besides, there are so much more to ponder over. im thinking i've never really kicked this habit of mine.

oh well

till later!

2006-09-29T23:02:00.000-07:00

hmmm i think this will be my last entry if nothing goes wrong, and then i'll be back after the As! i seriously dread it because i havent started studying for As. feel like i've forgotten so much of the syllabus after prelims. kept playing while others already started studying. i still dont have the mood to study but i guess all will come naturally after i've started. i hope. hehheh.

went out with skymy yesterday! had a funnnn time because we ate and talked alot. ahaha mostly gossiping about somebody. hahaha and then we ate at nydc! ah the pizza was great and so was the mudpie. grandma go nuts! hahaha and they got me nice cosmetics stuff, since my face is really quite bad after prelims.. outbreak and all. hehheh. want to thank sha and yun for the letter and card they gave me! =D and all of them for the shoes which i havent gotten and the facial masks and eyelash curler and mascara! and yu dont guilty ok, im not in urgent need of the shoes! love ya all for being so you-all and so sweet and pretty! haha i want to be like you all! =D=D thanks for being such die-hard friends because i know no matter what happens in the world, even if there is a nuclear explosion skymy wouldnt be torn apart. thats how strong the bonds between us are! better than covalent bonds. =D

yeah i want to thank wt, ki susan and mama for the top! peck for the cake, jt for the nama chocs, alex for the alcohol! thank mama for the card! minna for the earrings, s09 girls for the notebook and my eye candy's photo. haha. kaiyang, jon, edwin, yonjan and yihui for meddling with his photo before it came out so good! thank russell for the eeyore stuff, thank sam and siyu for the esprit top they delivered to my void deck! thank s09 for the mickey and miney ice creammooncakes~ thanks rudy for the card, thank leylong for the super nice card she made herself! thank beehian for the sweet little presents and eeyore picture message! heh, and zhijun for the rocher and the card! thank sjab people for the cake! thank william for the awfully chocolate cake! thank erjie for the nike bag and getting the ice cream cake and then getting the money from korkor. hehe and thank dajie for the sandals and forcing her bf to get me a present! thank skymy for the shoes [to come], the eyelash curlerm, mascara and the facial masks. thank: pam, minna, sam, alex, susan, sai, huiwen, yun, sha, yu jiahui, qianjun, shaun, sean, peilin, wanyan, ethel, jiayong, kaiyang, shun, rina, vivian, john, hengda, nancy, pinxuan, peipei, serene, weiling, aleee, maro, wanyi, beets, gha, david, wenbin, soph, beehui, beehian, jam and cy, dajie's bf, cyrena, wt, eric, michelle, alyssa, zhijun, wennee, jingsong, lingyi, cyrena, jaslyn, jiahui and qianjun's senior, kairu, guosen.. [sorry if i missed out anyone! =X] for the birthday smses and msn messages. you all made my day in one way or another! thanks for everything you all have done for me beacuse my 18th birthday wouldnt have been so good if not for you people! love ya all lOts! *=)

it'll be a month+ later before i blog again i hope. hahaa. and i guess what i've felt on 27th was wrong and it wouldnt last. i have to make my results better and the only way to go about doing it is to have no distractions! must jiayou le lah! just keep going, its the last lap. sometimes i wonder how many people actually get to have a feel of others' lives knowing they can never be the lead in their stories. perhaps things are meant to be this way and will never change! i should start cursing because people like wt and co end on 17th nov while i end a whole 5 days later. better than yihui and lai because they end 1 day later! lala i should stop gloating. =D

alright, take care all. it will be a long long time before we meet again. *=) and right now i shall start living in my own world again. things never really change much as i thought they did. i still think alot. and escapism is the only way out.

spell e-i-g-h-t-e-e-n

2006-09-27T09:11:00.000-07:00

im such a proud person, its like im the first person to turn 18. but im still proud of it ANYWAY. =D its nice to receive sms and msn messages at 12 sharp. but im in a zibi mood and i turned off my phone. by chance, it was low on batt and switched off by itself. its called fate. i think im stupid. sometimes we do things which we know we shouldnt do, even though we can control it. life was never a bed of roses.

kaiyang realised that... i was hoping nobody would know. i dont even know if i was lucky. i dont think im that good but i dont want it to be just a piece of fluke because it can slip away. anyway shall not talk about unlucky stuff now.

want to thank the girls for the sweet notebook and yihui for editing the photo, kaiyang for getting the photo and unexpected jon for printing it. and to shun who wasted half her ink catridge printing the unglam photos of me. too many, cant help it. heh heh. thank russell for the totally eeyore stuff, thank zhijun for the chocs and the card, thank beehian for the sweetly prepared gifts. and as much as i hate to say it, thank you for your sms though you dont mean it because you dont even know me. and thank all those people who smsed me but i didnt read your smses because im zibiing, im sorry too.

im glad it as on 27th sep when i felt depressed. i guess life starts anew from now on, when im just minutes into being 18. im lucky and i feel so blessed and loved, all thanks to you lovely people. for all my life, or at least in the 18th year of my life, i'll remember all that you've done for me. some things change, but others dont. and i believe my loyalty and faith is one. thanks for everything every one has done for me since the day i knew i existed, right till now. its all that matters to me because they define me.

with lOve, gEok*

come-back

2006-09-23T08:14:00.000-07:00

prelims ended. and i ended it with so much regrets. i wonder if it would make any difference if i've studied harder. perhaps it wouldnt because the papers are out to kill. or was i a trojan horse meant to be sacrificed?

went out with peilin wanyan and ethel today. really glad i have such long time friends. going out with them just makes me smile more and think less. and im really very aunty lah cannot help it. =D im into nautica and stripes! so glad i bought my nautica earrings. im going to be a sailor! lala. and tomorrow's sjab bbq! yay! its what kept me going thought the awful prelim papers.. and next week its all different group of people from wednesday onwards! im so blessed and loved!

sometimes i just wish i wasnt me. its hard to bring about a change when you're resistant to them. how does it feel to be caught in the middle between a utopia and reality? life's never easy. well, nobody said it was.

love the girls, thanks for everything!

realisation

2006-08-25T09:48:00.000-07:00

just had colours night, was reading pam's blog and had the urge to blog. she's such an angel. *=) alvin leong kept telling us we wont fail gp, guess he's trying to encourage us. been feeling very inadequate whenever im studying, seems like everything diffuses out of my saturated brain. im so stressed. maybe because its the final lap and thats why im feeling so stressed.

colours night wasnt as good as i expected it to be, but it was pure joy to see my lovely team again. all dolled up and pretty of course. but as usual we're still loud and crazy. =D miss them lots, felt that things were slightly different after we officially step down from hockey. its a great deal of fun. *=) looking back really brings back fun memories. they just make me feel like playing all the way and not study. of course i know i cant. but i just wish i could.

need to refind that passion again. you know its hard. just so tired today, going to sleep and then tomorrow's the day to start working. i just cant seem to put my ideas into words now. and so i guess many things are better left unsaid.

retrospect

2006-08-20T05:02:00.000-07:00

hermawan left for the states this morning. yesterday he smsed me and i didnt know what to reply. and today i sent him an sms but he didnt reply. i wonder if he has read that sms. its almost everything i wanted him to know. its been almost 5 years since i last had any close contact with him. not to say we dont talk at all nor are we super good friends, i just felt sad yesterday. i thought things like this only happened in shows.

he was really true to keeping his promise of going to the states to study. how independent and decisive. last words to study hard, they had an impact on me but im feeling too stressed to really do anything. im losnig that motivation and passion. almost dying out but its the wrong time. i guess i need to attend lessons on stress management.

happy birthday benjamin eio!

2006-08-12T02:14:00.000-07:00

its been 2 years and i still love him alot! haha and i finally fulfilled my wish of seeing him real life! thanks to susan's birthday and my wt's sharp observations! yaeh and i took a photo with him! just that wt hasnt send the photo to me yet. and i added him on friendster. =D

i have been sleeping so late lately, the dark rings are so obvious and more pimples are rearing their ugly heads. was supposed to stop blogging because i find myself classifying things into bloggable and non bloggable stuff. it really defies the meaning of blogging.

went to town to celebrate susan's birthday. she gave us flowers! so sweet of her! haha and we gave her a top from new urban male. there's a cute salesman inside. and they complained that my taste sucks. ah, its was great going out with them again, makes me forget alot of things which i have to face in my everyday life. sometimes i wish there is an escape route for me but its all back to the senseless, insensitive chats and acting smart. everybody's stressed and nervous and everyone's getting a little less than likeable. it will pass.

i have never derived so much joy from reading before now. and dear mr leong is so old already. but nonetheless still high class, funny and nice. georgio armani ok. haha.

ben eio rocks! =D

a messy chunk of nice-ness

2006-07-28T21:41:00.000-07:00

not going ndpp later. i feel really guilty for pangsehing shifu! and so i am going to repay his kindness by studying harder. i hope.

went back to the childcare again, this time to help them brush up on the dance for their performance next friday. had a great time terrorising the kids and playing with them. sebastian went to penang and so nobody's singing "hongmaomao" anymore. boo. he's so cute! anyway the children are really hard to manage! and i hope i hadn't appeared too fierce to them. but i am fierce ANYWAY.

time to start working, but i am not. actually im getting tired of blogging, much as i love to blog. after reading yeda's entries, i cant help but think about what she said. its pretty true that i always classify my daily happenings into "bloggable and not bloggable" events. blogging was supposed to be spontaneous, that inspiration in that moment in time. oh well. its time to take a break and refocus perhaps.

some photos!

lai, vv, ll and i. i just realised i zao geng but its just shorts! i still think clara reminds me of myself when i was young. equally skinny! she's sitting beside me! the only difference is that i have a da lian (big face, right junfu?) and her's is ba zhang lian (face the size of a hand). haha

thats the class girls with adrian! haha he looks so ke lian. he was thinking where to stand because he cant put his arms around us! and he ended up squatting while we were "shooting" him. haha

and that's with the guys! the guys are damn stupid lah. look at jiayong. =X they look happy together thougH!

and thats for all. time to start repaying. and thank junfu for the photos! =D dont complain i didnt update. but i guess its time to take a break from blogging. hopefully these photos will satisfy all your desires of wanting to see me and hear from me. hahaha. =D till then. see ya all and HAPPY BIRTHDAY WANYAN!!

on love

2006-07-14T04:21:00.000-07:00

And now I will show you the most excellent way:
If I speak in tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give up all I possess and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient; love is kind; it does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will pass away; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.
- I Corinthians, chapter 13

i really love this section of the bible. it was the motivating force that got me reading the bible. dont read too much into it, im not longing for love but i just like the way the bible described it. sometimes love takes many disguised form and i know i dont count my blessings. i have loving parents who've slogged their whole lives to provide my siblings and i with a good life. and i love my them all though i dont show it often. i remember i once spoke to pam about this section of the bible, and she said that love should be as described above. she told me that the right one should exhibit these traits and i still believe her because thats what i believe too. i can sense the bliss just by reading this section. a walk to remember included this paragraph too, and nicholas sparks wove this in perfectly. so nice!

i like sitting where im sitting in class now because im sitting in a corner where i think im easily missed out. i like that kind of feeling. i dont liek to be forced into doing things unless im ready. this applies to many aspects of my life, which includes studying. havent catch the mugging virus so its not so easy to get started. oh well. i had a nice talk with yihui today. im so glad to have her in my class. someone who empathise and truly understands. we're all blessed in many ways, and most of the time those kind, loving acts from the people around us go unnoticed because we're too caught up in our own worlds.

celebrating mum's birthday tomorrow. have to give meeting ki and zj a miss. so sad! i miss talking to ki. life's pretty miserable now for me. but i know i'll tide through, for The wind of anger blows out the lamp of intelligence. all nice inspirational quotes to get me going. nothing beats having nice, supportive, encouraging friends and seniors around to keep me going. its everything that keeps me sane.

a little more

2006-07-11T04:53:00.000-07:00

im blogging so often lately. need to get some things off my chest. alvin leong was "bullying" me today in class. ok lah i think i was being stupid anyway. and i seriously think i'll fail gp. and i dont want that to happen. maybe im going to ask ms joanne lee for help. she'll laugh at me for being a monkey again. =X

i've got so little time and yet so much to do. i really fear what's going to happen 4 months later. i guess with so little time, the most i can do is to stop complaining and start working. afterall, i am struggling with gp and s papers. and even econs isnt up to the grade yet. the stress just mounts when teachers keep coming in and saying they expect so much so much from us because we are s5a. others think we're damn smart but they didnt get to see the stress we're burdened with. and we're not really all that they think we are.

and i should really stay focused since i have so little time left. stop thinking, and stop letting my thoughts run wild should really help. i guess everything's that meant to be will be, and i wouldnt bother, and i wouldnt dare to try doing anything about it. at least there's a small little guarantee in mugging. a more worthwhile investment if you would like to call it. whatever the case, i quit thinking. there's only 1 way ahead of me, and now there's no turning back.

nobody will like you less

2006-07-10T03:20:00.000-07:00

maybe.

if there's one thing i cant tolerate, its hypocripsy. or perhaps im unable to accept hearing my imperfections from others. someday i got to learn that its only human to be this way. and i learnt not to speak about my own expectations because people just wouldnt understand. afterall, everyone sees things from their own perspective because we humans are all damn bloody selfish. so whatever you do, you'd only see things from your own point of view. and i admit i must have been a total a*hole for failing to be more sensitive? just when i thought i WAS sensitive enough. i should have thought through everything before i spoke because we all have different expectations. so perhaps whats bad to me is good to others. its time i learn things the hard way. and now you made me wonder if my trying to spare a thought for you and trying to be sensitive was actually worthwhile. i guess not. i cant take it lying down when you pretend nothing had happened and you just go blabber to a complete a* .

maybe im really too scared to see my own flawed personality. im used to running and evading issues and im no longer confident enough to face myself. when i plunge into such abyss of almost self-hatred and unhappiness and spoilt days i tend to sink in deeper because i almost came to hate myself. and because of this im not even able to accept myself, how am i supposed to accept others in my life? and im turning and running from everything i dont know what to do and i dont wish to do anything else. sometimes i think its enough to kill me just by making me reflect upon my own mistakes. i really feel like i've died a thousand times over. and in times like this i wonder just when will all this turmoil end.

the above was adapted from my od. i've been saying i wanted to start working hard. silence is golden. this time round its better not to say anything because words can kill. and i dont understand why people like to judge so much when they barely know others. what gave them the right to assume? and in their shallow thoughts they satisfied their urge to feel smart because they know they really arent. jumping to conclusions surely isnt the way to show that you've got brains and are using them.

*jAye at words

new blogskin!

2006-07-08T23:52:00.000-07:00

so pretty right! i love this new blogskin! =D im so lousy at html lah, spent so long editing the blogskin before i was able to publish it. haha

anyway i received an sms and it got me flying over the moon! haha and i realised my blogskin is mainly dark red which reminds me! laid in my bed for 1 whole hour and the same old thoughts just kept flashing through my mind. i dont even know what im doing. i must be crazy

its the premiers to the rush and passion for mugging. better stop thinking.

nice blogskin. haha. =D

*jAye at words

back!

2006-07-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

had so much fun today! went to night safari with shifu. and i got driven around. finally got to go to night safari. we boarded the tram with a super sweet and pretty guide. and she smiled at me! so pretty! haha the tram was quite good, just that my lousy contacts spoiled the ride. cant see animals that are faraway clearly. i was totally amazed by the indian rhino! so big and slow but MAGNIFICENT. i love the hippos and the rhinos lah! and i actually confused them. the hippos look like they'll make good water beds. anyway im such a loser ok, i was so scared by the suspension bridge! i avoided the bridge after the first time at all costs! was even prepared to walk through the hanging stilts then to walk past the suspension bridge. haha. the creatures of the night show was good. i love the part when the animal walked across the hanging rope. haha i dont even know what its called ok. there were so many cute animals in night safari! like the bushbaby! it was described as being able to teleport because it moves super fast! so cute ok. it has got big eyes and looks ULTRA CUTE. so small and cuddly. haha. oh and i ate ben and jerry's for the first time. i feel that its overrated lah. i think the beppu restaurant serves better ice cream! sis and i ate the peach fantasia. they used peach ice cream and rocher to make the ice cream into the shape of a peach. super creative and nice. ok lah tcc is still the best!

met up with 4g girls yesterday. ki's damn charming ok. she was just buying a jacket and the shop assistant was already mesmerised by her already. haha and even gave her discount on his own accord. there goes his 1++ hour's pay. =D im glad to have such attractive friends! next time can ask her help me buy limited edition stuff from left foot and i can get the stuff at a lower price! yay! anyawy we took neos but hw havent scan and send to us! must wait and then see! its nice because there's all of us looking happy and mad inside! hw and yx must jiayou for your comp! think of me and you all will paddle your way to get champs! hahaha =D

some photos from the hockey outing! can see me in my new haircut. still think i look kind of weird. =X

maro, me, siya, pam and floorball sticks! haha

maro, me and siya! im separating the lovers. lalala i love my mama! so taitai and pretty! =D

siya, maro, me, wanyi and weiling! we are all so lame lah! i miss these lame hockey gatherings!

hockey team rocks my life man. they're the synergists to my craziness and happiness. love all of them! =D and after this week i guess its time to start hitting the books already. so everyone must jiayou! and cy dont belittle yourself ok! keep the faith and im sure you'll tide through and get super good results for As! *=)

im a little hungry now. only ate 2 meals today. and germany portugal match starting soon! i dont know who to support! =( its time to let the passion and responsibility to take charge now. uh huh.

ever a lure, ever a deception. ever a question which i wont get an answer to.

*jAye at words

lady luck.

2006-07-06T01:22:00.000-07:00

got her with me. yes, miss lady luck. i would say god has never loved me more. but i would wish he bless me the same way during prelims and As! i really got lucky. or did i just underestimated my studying method and all? but no doubt i deserved what i got for gp. i dont want to fail gp during As! can someone help me! my gp, both language and content is hopeless beyond words. and dear old alvin leong commented that my expression is not wrong but it just isnt clear, exactly what miss chong told me back in rv! how to improve? i read newsweek but nothing goes in. and nothing seems to fit in my essays or compre aQs. how? i feel so desperate i dont want to fail gp! I DONT WANT TO FAIL GP.

got back econs mcq. i would say case study was really bad. and i really hope i can get lucky with econs too! maybe i really need to start studying harded and practise essays and disgusting case study and drQ! arghs. and im going to start bucking up on gp. i really want nice looking grades on my cert! like who doesnt right. and really, kairu and yuxi really scared me quite bad. =X somehow i think i need to start opening my brain and filling it with econs, physics and chemistry. need to start memorising no matter how much i HATE it.

last week of fun i guess. still contemplating if i should get the puma bag. just scared i'll waste what little money i have because im not sure if i will continue using the bad next time? sigh! but its half day tomorrow! though it doesnt affect my timetable but its a cause worth rejoicing. shall go to bugis and take another look [probably alot more looks hah] at the bag! and psycho lai to get a bag too and squeeze the aunty dry! bargain!

ali is really damn smart and perfect lah. think she's going to get 4As or at the most 3As 1B and her gp's awefully good too. not forgetting how well she can do for s papers. im like a pea in a garden. arghs. anyway cao ge can really sing! i love him so much! and im looking forward to saturday! nocturnal animals here i come! hahaha and i need help in gp too shifu! and tomorrow im meeting my 4g friends! wonderful life. enjoy all before knowledge and learning starts engulfing me. hurhur. and yeah, nice time meeting up with the hockey girls. maro is smart because she is very alert and sharp. hahahaha. and i love maro so hope she's feeling better! get well soon mama! and my dearest team we should go out after As! again! and all dress up yay! =D

and germany and portugal both got out lah! i dont know who to support for third placing! haha but i think germany will win. =X cant stand cristiano ronaldo. but i still like portugal because figo rocks like TOTALLY!

*jAye at wordS

back!

2006-07-03T03:58:00.000-07:00

hahaha i had fun out with kairu and yuxi! and they bullied me but still very fun. so funny lah i have ugly hair now. look like little girl and like ah lian. hai. anyway its very funny to go out with 2 of your friends who were primary school best friends. you get to listen to alot of their silly stories and laugh along! they had so much fun laughing at themselves lah. i think next time they should live next to each other, then old already can sit down there and laugh at themselves. so funny! i hope they will keep in contact for a long long time, with me too! i love yuxi and kairu! thanks for the wonderful sunday! *=) and happy belated birthday to kairu too! thanks for meeting me "accidentally" hahah. =D love you 2! we must always keep in touch ok!

went to bugis with shun and rn today. didnt find anything nice. hai so har to find my skirt! how come they dont imitate that skirt! then can buy cheap and nice ones. the velvet skirt was so cute lah! hopefully it isnt too expensive and i can consider buying! lala.

hmmm catching up is good for health. i feel. its good for me at least! i feel so much happier. you know you havent lost some friends though you all seldom talk or meet up. next on the list, 4g, skymy, pl wy ethel, shifu and shuhui! so bu qiao lah shuhui ends work on wednesday and then im returning to school already. sigh.

be strong. somewhere out there you know friends are always there for you till the end of the road. never once will we disappear. and even if you dont see us, we're just behind to catch you in case you fall. someday all this will pass. someday we'll all be happy and fine. someday... this all will come.

*jAye at words

blogging mood!

2006-06-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

im in the blogging mood! havent been blogging in here for 2 weeks plus i think, thanks to cts and i didnt get anything in return...

alright, yesterday i went to town to celebrate the girls' birthday. it was quite fun! and we ate pepper lunch, quite a good experience. but i was super tired because i slept at 2 the night before, and woke up so late. we took neos! like my first neos in a few months. haha all funny shots. and we got shun her 3 quarts, yihui her sandals! and rn, shun and i all got shoes! yeah! finally i've got something to go with my 3 quarts. dont call me vain. hahah

this week of hols is good! i'll be meeting so many friends! ok lah actually not alot, but im going to holland v to meet up with yuxi and kairu tomorrow! finally a chance to go out with kairu, and its been almost a year since i last went out with yuxi! hope my beloved seniors are doing fine! =D

it was that day when i was on my awy to the bus stop when i suddenly thought of sjab seniors. had that urge to meet up with all of them and go for movie outings at jp like how we always did. missed calling rong ma rong ma, and missed being crazy and teased and absolutely losing all possible poise and grace just to be with them and creating laughter. missed those days when people from 3 different levels unite! of course the oldest will only be jinyong turning up ahaha. and then we have rong ma, sishan, weijing, jess.. and then we'll have ethel, soph, pam, wenbin, jam, beehian, wennee and i.. elton chenyang siyu nic! all those people.. i want a gathering! but there's no time..

i was talking to jianyong that day, and he said that perhaps jc is a time to make new and not so good friends. im not a person who will really keep contact despite my heart calling out for my friends. but i do go for the occasional meeting ups and i always feel invigorated after those meetings. though i may not say it, but you guys mean alot to me.

*jAye at words

and im back.

2006-06-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

and im back to weep and whine. no more.

i guess its time i start returning to my old self when i was rational and stronger. at least i knew how to let go of things that have become a part of the past. i wouldnt say this common tests was something i couldnt do, but i wouldnt say i can score in it. i would say its the worst common tests i've ever done because of my extreme carelessness. totally sucks. but there's nothing i can do and so im letting it go.

guess i got myself distracted! was so eager about playing in the holidays. but well it IS the holidays. am going out with the girls tomorrow. and its town AGAIN. but anything lah, the birthday girls get to choose. its going to be a good break before the bad news start arriving.

sometimes i wonder if people ever use their brain to think. or perhaps they overused it they forgot that they have hearts to feel. sometimes someone may seem alone, but i guess most of the time its by choice. and i think its a good choice.

special mention to junfu for treating me a fruitella sweet from the packet the aqua HAT gave us. hahahah i got forced to. =D

*jAye at woRds

out!

2006-06-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

i went out yesterday, with peilin, wanyan and ethel. i bought a nice bright green top thanks to ethel's smart instincts and found us all super good deals! 50% off lala. and then we took some photos. and i got grouchy again. im so sorry dear girls! was very tired because we've been walking around the whole day! but it was still nice seeing you all quarrel about nonsensical stuff. thats how i like things to be, innocent and nice. [peilin when i say innocent im not talking about you! =D] and i hope all of you enjoyed yourself! its so hard to meet up again, and peilin hope you like the clutch! you better USE it. haha. and we all bought something! and i spent like $30. no money liao.

i went out today, with 4g! to celebrate pecklim's birthday. we bought him nice slippers from newurbanmale! and i hope he likes it! though he doesnt seem very eager to try it on. =X and we ate at fish and co and had the nice and never failing coco exotix form four leaves! and i saw jt!!! woah become like rocker! and i feel that he's different already, a happier person haha. and he made us all sensitive to "qing he shui" haha. and i met up with wt susan ki and hw! its like so good so good. those rv days totally rock. never fail to bring back a smile on my face when i look back...

went to cc on monday for cip. kids are so monstrous. the smacked me and are all so violent when playing an innocent game like aeiou! i must take my hat off to all the cc caretakers. they are sooooooooo patient and really have a way with kids. =D

i need to find my passion for studying back. just 2 days of meeting up with my friends made me miss so much of my rv days. sjab, 4g, 2L, my first 3 months time, my passion and those happy days. all so wonderful. i guess those are the memories that keep me going, and yet break me when i think about the type of person i am.

i love luis figo! haha jt said i go for "mature" guys. haha im getting abit excited about world cup! die!

a nice picture to sum up the whole of today. hah.

sometimes we need to find those fading memories back and feel humane again. the waiter at fish and co so pro! his hands so steady! haha. perhaps everything tied to our hearts and there's no need to really hold on. tell me it will stay.

*jAye at wordS

its time.

2006-06-02T03:31:00.000-07:00

its time to start hitting the books. i've been procrastinating more and more. im guilty and i want to start studying but i just CANT get into the right mood! the whole world's asking me to start studying but i just cant. been using the excuse of not having all my files with me to not study, but now my cousin has returned everything already! and im still not starting. damn there's some serious problem man. been having too much fun which got me thinking again. but i know im nothing that fits so its no point thinking and thinking. there's no end to the road.

to post some really nice photos taken during the hockey season. just to let you people see my face and verify that i indeed have fun before the hols came. and now im starting to slack again. someone should slap me in the face.

beets and i! her darling greenie's in her hand. haha

thumbs up! in memory of shaunP ahha.

you can count cant you?

a nice sweet pose for everyone, the last beautiful memory of the reds.

its really time for me to start mugging. i need motivation! shalene can you motivate me? =X i know the As are important and im lost for term2 in view of my season. i really need help and time and the MOOD to get back in touch with my studies. so screwed.

but i will tide through with faith. i hope.

*jAye at woRds.

indulgence

2006-05-27T21:21:00.000-07:00

i had a great time these past 2 days though the hols barely started. its not even a holidays to begin with, so many make up lessons and mugging to do. 30 days just doesnt seem enough. whats more, the gss is on now so.. its really quite impossible to do so much in these short 30 days. =D

friday we had HOCKEY bbq! it was a blast! thanks to david's nice home and his sweet family. they prepared so much good food ok. and throughout the whole night, he and his family were serving us can. their prawns are like HEAVENLY can! and david's super talented lah. he can play the piano and violin and his hockey is zai. he's what we call "neng wen neng wu". weiling has got good taste man. haha. and his niece is called faith! thats what i want to call my daughter next time too ok! his niece has cheeks that look alot like his. i think its a lee family thing. we were swinging on the swing on his lawn, and then we went in for elections. alee's the new cap. i really hope the new exco foor 2006-07 will bring hockey to greater heights and we'll get everything that we wanted to but couldnt this year. *=) i couldnt bear to leave for home that night. its just one night of fun and crap lah. im so going to miss my team mates for the next half a year before we get to meet again ok. im so glad i got to know people whom i disliked and feared last time so much better. im almost loving them more than i love myself!

i went to town with my shifu yesterday! he rocks ok! i think he's very gentlemanly and nice lah, though i didnt tell him this. he's very sweet and is like a super fine young man! its been a year since we last met up? and i bought a clutch bag! we had a nice long talk at macs and im so glad to see his transformation in his thinking. he's a happier person now and im really happy for him! we went to watch davinci code and tom hanks really... my favourite scene was the last one, when langdon finally realised the true meaning of the codes and found mary magdalene's tomb. thats the best part because tom hanks didnt need to say anything. he just have to act solemn. haha. after the movie it was 12 plus already. so we took a bus to shifu's house and he drove me home! yeah i've got another thing to be proud of my shifu already. he can drive well lah! careful and steady but not slow. haha.

its a super nice gathering lah! its been a long long time since we had such a great time out together. some thoughts surfaced along the way though. i guess i must have thought alot last time. not that i dont think as much now, but im a happier person now. havent really told anyone how i felt deep down inside till yesterday when i told shifu some stuff. i guess rv guys are still my favourite guys! and all of them are seniors. they are the greatest guys on earth and i hope all of them get nie, good girlfriends! yeah, this is the season to shop and catch up with my friends! its the GSS now what! shop till we drop! i hope this will be the last fun hols before i really start mugging for As.

i guess nothing can compare with friends whom you feel comfortable enough to open up to. even if its a moment of silence, its worth more than a thousand words you say to a normal friend. its hard to find somebody who truly understands you, and up till now i think i've only had 1 friend who did that. my wt. its hard to accept people with stark flaws, and thats why its so hard to find a true good friend. someone who loves you for who you are though you may be the most imperfect person in the world. i've come to like being alone in nj. i've come to like thinking and staying away from the crowd. i guess there's no point in putting up a front. i need to be somewhere i can be free. somewhere i can be me.

pl, ethel, wy! we must meet up soon oh! you all plan and tell me when to go out ok!
wt, hw and 4g people! organise gathering soon oK!
sjAb! my carrot team and all!
shifu! go out again soon ok! im going to dig out everything about you and you must be my chauffeur!
skymy! i miss you all! saw yu that day at delta ahhh!
hockey! we go shopping sooN! karen we must find bag!!!!!!
s09! when are we going to shop? i want to swim at shun's house!

im going to let loose this hols! and yes, hockey was indeed a season worth remembering. like what alee said, we are like the snowflakes that gather strength through numbers. and for us, winter will never end. *=)

*jAye at woRds

stress level up

2006-05-21T20:31:00.000-07:00

im getting so freaking paranoid again! woke up this morning feeling super stressed. i realised i've been doing my work for the sake of completing them! compared to the vigour i had for studying when i was in sec4, i feel so out now. there are tonnes of things that i dont know! and it doesnt help that i dont have time for consultation. uh huh, spell screwed.

its a nice holiday at home today. im learning how to cook with the new hot plate. but here i am blogging. i seriously feel very scared for cts! can you imagine how i would feel when it comes to A's? i dont want to study, and i dont want to do anything! i just want to sit and rot and do nothing. i dont even think there is anything fun to do online. well, apart from reading colinandkero's blog.

im getting too easily distracted already. somehow i miss those rv days, with 4g, sjab, 2L, skymy.. you know, those days when you can play the whole day, be online, watch si, jie da huan xi and still score kind. those days when you always have ample time at hand and no concepts seem too tough to handle. you know, those secondary school days. and now here i am in nj. up till now i still dont know if i like or dislike nj. i dont even know what i feel towards nj and my friends. im that confused.

to cy: hey leave your blog name down ok! so i can link you and read your blog!
to zj: hey i dont know whats wrong with my tag board eh.. i'll reply you soon i hope! so sorry for the long overdue letter.. been kind of busy! =X im always wishing the best for you though! *=)

*jAye at words

tired

2006-05-20T04:13:00.000-07:00

im so tired because of college day. bought $10 worth of tickets but only spent $6 on food, and i only ate 2 things lah. sian.

anyway shun was saying vv and wendy very close. though they meet up for lunch like almost everu day, they still have endless topics to talk about. no leng chang kind. and i think im not even so close to ki lah! i always only manage a hi and bye when i see her. and to think we used to be crazy classmates and good friends just 2 years ago. was reading weijing's od just now. brought back alot of memories about my life in sj. still remember that pillar outside sj room which i always hug. and how i always walk along the corridor outside co room shouting at the cadets to be louder and faster. how i miss those authoritative days! i just miss those days when i was still close to my good friends in rv. friends in nj can never hold a candle to those friends i made in rv. and now im almost losing them....

im glad i always manage to choose nice ccas, those with strong cca spirit and everyone's friends with everyone kind. its always the people who keeps me going for cca, not the activity itself. im just glad good things always happen from something i initially thought was bad. so glad. and im so tired, i wont be studying or doing work today! its a rest day for me.. and then its full time mugging? wait till june. think im not going to have time for revision again. but i dont want bad results again! all the stupid makeups. can the school authorities get any stupider? arghs..

we lost to vj because of penalty flicks. we wouldnt have gotten that far if the defence didnt manage to counter vj's attacks. at least we played well that day. playing rj on tuesday for 3rd 4th placing. wish us luck.

*jAye at woRds

some photos!

2006-05-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

beginning to think that my blog's getting pretty boring with all the words. so here i am to post the photos i took with the hockey team on friday! there are only 13 of us in the one above though. my eyes are dropping out from doing the stupid chem S research online for dont know how long and i didnt find anything on diazotisation! =( so sad lah. and blogger's taking so long to upload one photo. shall stop here. there'll be more to come from beets' camera! they'll look super nice and funny. we took minah photos. hehe. i need the passion for studying. xian jian qi xia zhuan's ending next week. sad. my tangyu xiao bao!

*jAye at words.

painful

2006-05-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

injured my hand on wednesday's training. woah the pain is excruciating can. cant exert weight on my hand. oh man. got hit by a super hard flying ball. arghs. cant really write. i hope its just hurting from an impact, and nothing serious. most of the coaches and teachers confirmed its not a fracture. im hoping some exercise [from typing by using the net hah] can help loosen up the nerves and alleviate the pain. not seeing a doctor because my parents will kill me should they know i injured myself because of hockey, and then i can say farewell to the hockey pitch. and mind you, its not goodbye, its FAREWELL. arghs. and going to doctors cant stop the pain immediately. which is what i need now!

we won cj 2-1. shouldnt have conceded the goal. referee was super biased lah. that soab.if he didnt give that freaking short corner to them it would then be a nice 2-0. i hope we can get into the semis!

im like doing work for the sake of doing it. this feeling is growing in me lah. season is so distracting. i just want to get all my 90+ back. and then i'll feel like im not letting go of any of my responsibilities. not to my parents or my team. and i hope we're edging closer to colours awards!
when i got injured on wednesday, i thought back about unclek. seems like the past was so near yet everything changed. and it was his birthday.

*jAye at words

yeah!

2006-04-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

after 12 sad years of napfa, its finally gone for good! i missed by 1 ipu to 30 points! grrr actually wanted to end off my napfa life with a big bang. but well, half a bang isnt as bad as it seems too! this got to be my best napfa so far, and its going to be the last too! oh well, i cant be any happier! i will never forgive thong for not counting that one last ipu i struggled so hard to lift my chin above the bar and not succeeding.

hmm i ought to smack myself. still online and slacking even now. i just did srv. so tough can. i hate this man. betetr start studying. and chem spa's coming! god bless me! i sound so foreign and alien in this entry. so not me huh.

*jAye at words.

not so good.

2006-04-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

"when too much happiness overflows into sadness."
i've always remembered this line i read in a book by amy tan. though i forgot the title of the book. thats almost what is happening now. just only last week i was bursting wtih joy, and right now im whimpering like nobody's business. everything is so screwed in my life right now. bad things come one after another. i just dont know how to push on. time is definitely not on my side. and it doesnt help to worry about priortising and the negative social consequences arising from this act. everything is just so wrong.

i hope the weather starts getting friendly with hockey matches so it will stop raining! we keep missing lessons for nothing when it rains! we just go down to the pitches and watch the rain, then wait an hour or two just to hear the referees tell us the match is postponed to tomorrow morning, which means missing more lessons. im so tuned out for physics lah. i hate it. hate being imperfect. so perfectly imperfect. and having my grades drop a thousand million notches. argh.

perhaps the only happy thing in this week is the 6-0 in the jj match. but well, its not so happy because i saw susan cry. its heart wrenching when you have to play against a good friend on the pitch. she really played well in the match. and i love her soo sooo sooooo much.

i hope for all my friends to be happy. because i know its hard to get such nice and supportive friends. but somehow i got them. im thankful but i dont know how to show. i always dont know how to show my gratitude. and i regret ever being mean to them. i love all you people out there. thanks for being part of my life, even if its just a day. i feel so loved. i do appreciate you all and if i ever lost my cool with you people, please forgive me. really.

i dont know what to say anymore.

*jAye at words.

happy!

2006-04-22T03:39:00.000-07:00

im a happy girl! though its super tiring coping with studies and hockey but well, im actually deriving joy from this trying period. getting more bonded to the team, and gosh karen, michelle and keshia are so cute! i love them! and out team's getting crazier! and they all say im super funny but i dont think so. hehe. =D at least we're going through tough times together as one. you know its so encouraging to have 19 other people with you. its so nice. i've got greater motivation to play hard in hockey now. its the hockey spirit. going to make this season a good one worth remembering. MUST BE. *=)

aristal was great! gosh shun was so pretty! i want to marry her!!!!!!!! pretty and graceful. if im a guy i'll go after her loh, so elegant! and hockey's got lots of pretty girls too! beetsma, maro, feli, ali! yeah so happy! seeing pretty girls make me H A P P Y! and i saw skymy after like quite long. heh all of them still as pretty as ever. at least we didnt lose that kind of sisterly feeling, going to concerts together and catching up. yay!

finally i have passion in the 2 main areas of my life. hockey-ing and studying with passion. like what limwei said. hehe. im engulfed in happiness! so much its overflowing hur. and thanks jy for being so sweet! the dark chocolates! so sweet of him hehe. i've got such good friends.. i need some motivation to put in more effort in my studies. especially physics! getting so so so dry. ah yes, to get into semis and finals for nationals! i want to go to colours award! hehehe. *=)

happy-ing*

*jAye at words

cluttered

2006-04-13T05:43:00.000-07:00

its all so cluttered already. from now on its matches all the way to week 10. doesnt help when the workload is piling up. while everyone else is passing over their busy schedules, mine is just starting. but hey, its going to be my passion right, enjoying everything i do. so i must make things good and really cope well. i know i can. god bless me. i know i wont feel good if we didnt make it to semis. we must at least win something. cant train 1 year for nothing.

got pw grades today. im relieved. so glad the last 1 year of feeling stressed, getting into foul moods, feeling guilty and staying at friend's house to do work because of a lousy broken computer at home paid off.

just to see that 1.

PL: im so glad to see you tagging! every time talk to you on msn also no response hoh? forget old friend already. must keep in touch! and we'll meet up someday once my workload lightens up yups! miss ya all too! jiayou together! *=)

*jAye at woRds

building up

2006-04-07T06:51:00.000-07:00

hai, im starting to feel stressed again. lousy common test results is the root of my misery. was troubled and thinking if i should drop my S papers. so troubled over it these days lah. but today's the last day to decide, and after talking to mrs chiew i guess i should just continue. keep my options open like what so many people tell me. if they have the confidence in me, i ought to give myself a chance. anyway i have to live up to their expectations because i dont want to let anyone down, and that includes myself.

season starting in like 1 week's time. 18th april. ah anyway i always feel like an idiot on the pitch. its like i do stupid stuff like getting hooked by a team mate's stick and not knowing the freaking rules of the game. grrr and i feel that im not even worth the place in the second team can, not saying that second team isnt important but i just dont feel good enough to be in the team. if we have enough people i think i wont even make it into the second team can. =X and im feeling the pressure to help contribute to the defence team. i dont see why we're so bad just because we dont communicate on the pitch. argh.

dr leong was like saying "i want to see and a1 beside all your gp when you all receive your a levels results slip next year." woah early in the morning he stressing us already. forced to order either time or newsweek. i mean who doesnt want to do well right, but somehow the future seems bleak.

oh well, never underestimate yourself. guess i have to restore that faith and stay positive.

anyway wt im super happy to see you tagging again! you know i missed you haha. please stay happy in canoe and have faith in yourself. sometimes being in an individual competition is better than in a team, then anything you do affects nobody else but yourself. its not so stressful. jiayou k! you go all the way! i'll be there for yoU! *=)

*jAye at woRds

9

2006-04-01T01:40:00.000-08:00

yeah i chose 9 for hockey jersey too. now im a happy girl. quite happy at least. hmmm

just finished watching pride. dont know how to return the dvd to kj. hmmm wont be seeing him in like 10 years? ok lah thats an exaggeration but hmmm..

talked to wanyan on the phone yesterday, haa told her abit about what happened. sorry if i made you hurt dear girl. its not that i didnt want to tell you about it but i didnt know how to anyway. its hard to tell people what happened. and after that since everything ended, there's really no point right? and she's right, sm and i have been friends for so long, i guess its quite sad to just end everything. but i dont have a choice. really i dont. i wish things can be better too. but they cant. i shall just stop talking about it.

im learning to cherish things in my life. sometimes i wish i can control my life, my temper. god's fair perhaps. i want all my friends to be happy. im in the thinking mood again. just such a small talk with a friend, just reading an entry and i can plunge into this almost depression thinking state again. i have nothing to say man. =X its all up to me perhaps. what happens when i dont wish to think, dont wish to know?

i need my privacy man. sometimes i just like being alone.

*jAye at words

disaster

2006-03-26T05:19:00.000-08:00

god i cut my hair! and because my friends always say that i look the same everytime i get my hair cut, so i told the hairdresser to cut it till its at my shoulders. and hur, now i look like a little girl. i even got my fringe! and now i miss my long hair lah. =( i look like a little girl now, and im serious about it. arghs, just when my sis said i look immature. and i cut my hair till i look much more like a kiddo! what to do. =X but its a new look yes. for a change perhaps.

i still miss my long hair. oh no

hockey's trainings getting intensive already i think. next week there's 4 trainings lah. haiyoh. and im slacking like nobody's business after cts. so gonna lose my momentum and the things is we've got some independent learning to do and i didnt jot them down! so most probably im going to miss out some stuff here and there. =X

i was watching pride just now! my god, halu's as charming as ever! i love love love love him! and i saw aki's long nice hair and i got reminded of my old long hair. arghs. halu and aki's so so so sweet. felt like crying when aki and halu broke up because aki's original boyfriend came back. so sad can. and i think i want to finish watching the dvds because they are kj's. better return them to him asap. but i dont know how! hmmm. and i was watching xian jian qi xia zhuan yesterday. awww so nice can. i love tang yu xiao bao! he's so good looking! haha, and he's so blur and cute in the show, i just cant get enough of him. though he looks like a cow in the show, because he's got so many rings and loops on him. heh.

now i've got 2 favourite man on my list. first is halu dearest and then its cute tangyu xiao bao. now if i ever see a guy like either of them i'll grab him real tight. but then again that's not going to come so i'll carry on with the eternal wait. was talking to rn today saying i'll be a spinster for life and she was like, "its not as if we cant live without guys" and i said yes. that's the spirit man. now that the cts are over i've got more time to think. hmmm i guess its more worthwhile channeling my time and energy in thinking about how to face my horrendous results for the papers that im going to get back. uh huh, so dead.

ah, halu and tangyu are my MEN! i really love them. hmmm.

sometimes i wish things can be made better. oh let time heal my wound, let me get out of this web. i just dont know what to feel.

*jAye at words

reflections

2006-03-22T05:24:00.000-08:00

i cant help reflecting and though almost all my friends tell me i think too deeply into things, i still love thinking. it keeps me sane and makes me feel real. it really makes me feel like i do exist, at least i mean something to myself, though im certainly not a narcissist.

im so screwed for cts lah! i did the papers without much focus and then i was careless as always! physics and econs killed me lah. arghs. i hate not doing well for my papers. yucks. it makes me feel so useless. its like im giving up in view of temptations. just gave up my weeks of hard work. nah i shall just be resolute and start doing something to make myself feel good.

sometimes people dont see what they should see and they make the world out of it. its so irritating its eating into me. or maybe im just trying to run. while the more you try, the more you get tangled in this web of affairs, there's no way to break free from this estrangement.. and sometimes i just wish that i have a greater control over every part of my life. it seems like its heading into nothing and everything is just so chaotic. im losing myself.

ahhh i miss rv! its such a nice and cosy place! and the people i met there, i guess they are going to stay for life. and zhijun, i think i kind of allowed myself to be taken in by the chain of events happening and so my cts are gone! i hope things are getting for you already.. do take care and smile more k! im with you! remember, keep your faith and you will be fine. everything will be fine in the end, just that the end isnt here yet. keep on moving! *=)

ahhh i still have spa skill a on friday! i really ought to restore my faith. hmm

*jAye at words

arghs

2006-03-10T03:58:00.000-08:00

gp was a killer. i better start mugging effectively for the other subjects. i dont want to die for ct because of my dwelling.. hmmm. i will i will! if i can do it for Os prelims, this is nothing compared to that! i'll be fine! with faith, i'll surpass the limits i've defined. yes geok meng, you will be fine. stand strong, you'll tide through.

thanks zhijun for the chocs! i really hope things get better for you.. you've got great friends around, so do cheer up k! flash your radiant smile again! but sometimes, only we ourselves know what we're really. its ok to feel, but dont dwell in it like i allowed myself to yups. someday we'll all be fine. and with each passing day, we're reaching the light. *=) jiAyous.

*jAye at words

show me the way

2006-03-05T04:07:00.000-08:00

our time has come.
yesterday, we were together.
today, we belong to history.
a part of me died, along with the birth of a new you.
gone.

thanks skymy. darlings, love you all as always.

*jAye at words.

day

2006-02-17T06:49:00.000-08:00

went to town with junior class after road run. though we slacked and waited for them for quite long heh. i ponned the teaching scholarship. ah quite bad hehe. then i realised that this year was my first time ever walking in a cross country. didnt even try running. haha because i dont believe i can. even though i was very inspired by mr lee after i consulted him for econs essay.. i still couldnt get down to feeling more confident about myself. why?

i feel like a super mean person really. its like thoughts race through my mind but i dont tell anyone about it. sometimes these thoughts can be really negative. im like such an untypical girl you know. not those kind of sweet gentle nice girls. hurhur. and im really mean i think. at times i feel like abandoning my shell. keep on running and never look back. not to look back upon the mess i've created. i used to be really optimistic and positive. but now i cant seem to induce that kind of happiness and optimism in myself. why? another question which i dont have an answer to. actually i just allowed myself to slip away into nothingness. told myself i couldnt right before i tried. maybe im really a meanie inside because i cant stand being caught in the middle of conversations concerning yet not concerning me. you know that kind of feeling? maybe im too sensitive so i read too much into everything.

people dont see what i am. yet they think they do and judge like nobody's business. maybe its a matter of hiding, a hideous hideout i chose myself, and thus everything that fits in after that are natural occurrences and i ought to bear the consequences. i wish i was really alone, or never alone. better than being in the middle of nowhere, neither here nor there. you know that kind of feeling?

my basic goal is to succeed in the things i do. yet i dont even try hard for hockey. i just give up totally. and studying is the only reliance i have. a place to hide, to dwell, and to score. but now im about to lose it. and im gonna collapse and fall real hard.

thud. thud. thud.

*jAye at woRds

slacking mode.

2006-02-11T03:15:00.000-08:00

ewww im so out of self control ok! slacking the whole day through feeling tired and hot because of training yesterday and i ate tooo much chocolates and heaty food. so my fever may be visiting me again. nah its knocking already! =X

anyway i went to queensway just now, was supposed to be a class thing and go check out our class jersey but ended up edwin was the only guy there and only ali, qiu, rn and i went. so sad lah. anyway we got a super good price for the jersey! $20! though its uncle's very own brand but still.. anyway the colour combination's pretty nice. black and silver! and choose our own number haha. im going to put 9 and gEok behind! tada, halu's my man!

shit man. can someone hurry me to go do my work? and im supposed to start studying for ct i THINK. i wont have much time considering the time i spend training and not improving. duh its so ultra demoralising. think i'll be in 2nd team at the most. thats how confident i am of myself. anyway its bad to have competition because you'll lose something in the course. and this something's may be friendship and yet you gain understanding of your friends too, just that this understanding probably makes your life worse because its negative. when the ugly side of someone rears its head, its when reality hits you really hard.

i want to go shopping leh. and i've got so many things that i want to get for people but always didnt get! so sian diao lah. havent gotten leylong her rose earrings. anyway we are making earrings for the class girls! so proud of ourselves. cant find anything nice for yun leh. and aiyohs, i still dont know what i should get for mr yeo! cap, shirt? so hard to find stuff lah. and dont know if i should get for jiayong and kaiyang also. AIYOHhhh.

i've got no date this valentine's day. anybody interested? haha, let's hope i wont have s lectures on tues so that i can go out with my girlfriends! and then wait for the weekend to come so that i can present my wonderfully done [actually its not done yet, haha no time no time!] card to darkie. haha.

till then, now i've got lots of work to do. hurhur. =X

now halu's my man.

*jaye at words!

cny photos!

2006-01-29T03:13:00.000-08:00

just copied the html directly from yihui's post on class blog. but sad lah, she didnt upload my monroe picture! because she only uploaded those not so embarassing ones. nice nice ok! *=D

all so nice lah. haha, kaiyang's the lead in almost every photo! haha, xiao de. lala, rv U looks great ok! we all look so nice in our secondary school uniform. nostalgic. we turned back time! haha enjoy the photos! *=)

*jAye at words.

yay!

2006-01-27T08:03:00.000-08:00

lala, its already cny's eve! but this year i wont be bai nian-ing because my grandma passed away.. but not sure if my relatives are still meeting up, because my mum misses her siblings and all. hmmm.

im still sick lah, cough and phlegm, fever blahblah. then cant eat all the new year goodies! actually i just carry on eating any way. haha. i love the chocs and the pineapple tarts ok! rocks! oh and i think if i have the time i may be going out tomorrow to do last minute shopping for clothes. i bought the topshop polo tee which is black in colour, then my friends all say inauspicious. been trying to get a maroon top but i dont seem to see nice ones! ahhhh.

actually im not in the festive mood this year leh. there's so much homework this weekend lah! sad life. but the good thing is that there's so many many shows! haha got louis koo. shuaige.must squeeze time out to mug during the hols. so sad. haha got alot leh, all the piled up tutorials. grrr..

i wore rv U today! still waiting for yihui to upload the pics. and she's not even online now! haha. the pics are nice ok! its like we turned back time to the first 3 months. nostalgic. haha i learnt this word from shun! anyway i think we had fun posing and taking photos. and i did a marilyn monroe post in rv U! going to be disgusting haha. shall post them up on friendster once i get my hands on them.

heard that there's going to be a test on basics next week. super sad man. havent been to training for 1 week because of my sickness. haha. so sad lah. i think i lost everything just when i thought i made a little progress in my skiLls. and maro rocks k, she's a super good teacher! so patient and she's pretty good and explaining and teaching! but im still worried about being too committed to hockey and then my studies will slacken. apparently my results have slipped this year already. seems like im not performing as well for tests as last year. shall start working hard man. cant stand seeing my results deteriorate. believe that i can and i will! i'll be fine and be able to manage! i can i can i can! i must be a happy girl! haha.

hai, tekong is a sad place ok. people in there dont even know when they're booking out. looks like somebody wont be able to get new clothes for new year!

oh man. i seriously want to enjoy school life! think its been great for me so far. just the studies part. well well, faith! the new year is here! i've got a cute angel, though my friends think he's a bit gay. he so nice lah. haha, i shall be ncie to him too! devote the part of my love for my mortal to my angel because my stupid mortal didnt even reply me! stupid cat high boys. haha. *=D

happy chinese new year! be happy people! *=)

*jAye at words

thinking.

2006-01-14T04:32:00.000-08:00

met up with hengda just now to pass him my notes. actually i really feel that though there may not be a supreme being above us planning every single detail in our lives, but everything's predestined. sometimes when you're lost, somewhere, somehow, signals and signs will appear to help you get out of your dilemma. initially i was thinking about what to do. then shuhui and hengda came and talked to me without having me told them the exact problem. though i told hengda after that. and they kind of enlightened me. its just kind of a wrong timing because i've kind of came up with a conclusion already and then they told me something that make me waver. grrr.

i always tell myself to have faith and be optimistic. i think the very reason that i keep doing so is because im not a person of faith and am actually quite pessimistic. well well. whatever choice that i make will make me uncertain and insecure. and both choices wont be a fair one. mr alvin leong always said that as people grew more affluent and better educated, they have a discerning mindset that makes them independent and able to make choices on their own. doesnt really apply to me. but i dont have enough time at hand! and this year is an important year.. grrr. im such a confused weakling. duh.

damn me. why cant i be near perfect? why do i always land myself in situations when i question myself? why do i always do something this minute and feel like killing myself in the next minute? whats up with me man.

my econs tutor is mr gilbert lee. i think he's really a pretty good econs tutor! though im always struggling with econs, but he has made econs more understandable. ahha, but still im struggling lah. mr alvin leong is my gp tutor! i love the way he always make small talks with us as the whole! can bond us together. he's not as bad as i thought him out to be. hmm, and i think my future in gp is less bleak because of his existence! he's funny. haha, physics and maths tutors are the same. im so glad. haha miss khoo and mr adrian low rocks man! they're fabulous tutors. ehhe. oh and civics and chem tutor is mrs chiew. currently she's making me more blur in chem than actually enlightening me. but still, chemistry is my favourite subject! and miss lim for pe! yay! lately im feeling a little happier because im having fun studying. just love the feeling of being swarmed by knowledge. and its swarmed, not drowning. at least i catch some balls. hehe.

life's pretty good. but never perfect. still caught up between my priorites and my wants. the problem of scarcity. sigh*

*jAye at words.

back

2006-01-12T03:25:00.000-08:00

yeah my net's finally up again. sis bf had a hard time fixing my problematic computer and net service. haha school reopened and everything's so hectic! i felt so stressed during the first week of school lah. and its only the first weEk of school. so much work and we already started lessons proper. but i've slowly adapted to the hectic school life so im feeling better. kind of lifted out of the pits. haha.

i got injured during hockey yesterday! my thumb bled now. and its on my right hand. it hurts whenever im writing. haha. got so inspired by sean chua, so im going to try my best to train hard in hockey!

just when i thought the holidays was super fun and all, im beginning to feel that school's basic problems are coming back again. im losing myself. kind of actually. perhaps i am really a very flawed person. perhaps if time stalled in the holidays, i would have been a happier, more carefree person. at least then, i'll be detached from so many ugly things i see in school and just carry on being blindly happy. those halcyon days. someone told me that after a very happy period, you'll slip into depression. maybe. the ramifications of happiness. life's so fair. too fair i suppose.

i should just shut up man. damn. its always raining. yihui said that it'll stop raining when new year comes. maybe. its so cold, both inside and out.

*jaye at words.

its CHRISTMAS!

2005-12-24T20:05:00.000-08:00

yAy, merry christmas to all! haha

i was trying to avoid the crowd and all the squeezy places yesterday, so i went to meet soulmate at causeway point. haha. and actually it was quite crowded too. we had to queue a long long time for all the restaurants lAh. then we were queuing at jack's place till it was almost out turn, then we realised that the food at jack's place for christmas eve is super expensive. so we went down to pasta mania. haha. then i ate baked rice! yeah! but their baked rice isnt as impressive as v8's i feel. but that time there were wires in v8's fries. so i think im not going to eat there again. swensons' baked rice isnt that bad. haha.

oh then we went to watch chinese tall story. ok triptika [ i think, tang san zhang], played by nicholas tse, was like a bit gay lah. then the whole story was changed and all. but then i think sunwukong is cute! the whole story was hilarious lah, abit lame also. but we only spent 8.50 on the ticket, so i dont know. haha, not so bad lah, at least not like 9.50 for this lame show. charlene is cute! but i still prefer sunwukong. hehe, his real name is chen bo ling! like pecklim like that! haha, sunwukong quite cute ah! hahahah.

actually my christmas eve wasnt that exciting as others leh. initially i didnt even want to go out wan loh. haha, but since i think its one of the last times i'll be seeing sm. so why not! haha. and he got his pay so he's a rich man. haha, but paiseh to let him treat also lah. oh then after that we ate disgusting hot fudge sundae. it was so sweet lah. eat until very xing ku. haha then we went home! he's going to his PRIMARY school gathering. what a nian jiu guy. haha, primary school seems so ancient now. =X sometimes i wish that i can be linked closer to my friends. all of them, no matter the distance between us. somehow, i just lack those communication skills or what. dont know. want to keep in contact! but its hard too. different schedules and all. i wish that next year will be a better year, so that all my friends will be close and happy! more bonded with s09 girls perhaps, and stay close with skymy, 4g, rvsj and 2L! contact! contact! haha

well, its christmas, shan't blog about those stuff. have a fun christmas! may this christmas be filled with joy and peace for everyone! merry merry, happy christmas again people! like what wt wrote in the card: this the season to be jolly, farlalalala, lalalala.. *=)

yay, im meeting skymy and guys tomorrow! haha, bbQ at yun's house! awww i love her place! and then 4g's meeting up on 31st dec. a YEARLY EVENT. YES. i dont want to lose my friends! lAla. *=)

*gEok

second.

2005-12-23T07:39:00.000-08:00

well, im finally here, writing another entry. have been trying to do up my blog for the past few hours. and its only slightly improved. well, everything has been done by my friends lah. they helped me alot. so basically, all the fanciful html stuff are done by others! im really a noob at html and all the computer related stuff. haha.

anyway, i went to town with dearest YEDA to shop for christmas gifts! gave up finding stuff for 4g first because i just cant think anymore. my head always hurts like crazy when i go christmas shopping in town. must be all the thinking. grrr. maybe i'll be making them something. its always nicer right! but then, all the stuff i make turns out pretty disgusting. haha..

going to da's church on sunday! watching her sing. oh who else is interested? go with me!!!! susan's not confirmed yet. she's going to her friend's city harvest thingy at EXPO early in the morning at 10 lah. she got to get a life. haha.

od shall remain my dearest hideout yes. and like what james said. got to keep od going. haha. rest well people. i shall try cultivating some feelings for my blog, so that i'll become attached to it and write more. anyway, tomorrow's christmas eve already! so fast! i wanted to be a loser by spending christmas and eve at home. haha, but now my plans are spoilt. hahah.

kind of miss my old life. somehow. i feel like my past doesnt belong to me. everything seems kind of distant. i wonder why. was it a result of my desperate need to run, or did everything simply fade away with time, because i allowed them to? perhaps i've contracted selective amnesia. some things got so vivid, while others remained as if they took place yesterday. i want to hold on to everything, before everything slipped right through my hands, into nothingness.

hur hur, i miss my boring nJ u! i want to wear my puma shoes and carry my pony bag! haha. and not forgeting my dearest hockey stick, silrange. trying to get back my passion for hockey. oh wells.

SPECIAL THANKS TO:

yingxia! for teaching me where to get the blogskin and getting the code for me. =D
sophia! for the tagboard and the troubles she went through to help me fix everything!
huiwen! for giving suggestions and sai's link. lala.

haha, as you all can see, i am really a noob at html and stuff. just wanted to get out of cosy and ulu od so that people's computers wont hang. haha. till next time! merry christmas all! have a joyous and peaceful time this christmas! live right! *=)

*gEok

maiden.

2005-12-22T08:32:00.000-08:00

got psychoed by wt to start using blogger. man, am i easily swayed! found so many nice blgoskins previously. haha. anyway, im still not done with my od. because its been with me since sec1 and i cant bear to just let it all go. haha. lousy me.

as i was saying, wt enlightened me without saying anything to me. finally i've been lifted out of the pits. she somehow always manages to make me feel better whenever im forlorn. she just know. somehow. oh well. shall go do up my blog. so this shall be a short entry. anyway, im meeting yeda and 4g tomorrow. both at city hall. count me lucky. haha. hopefully this blog will stay alive, and not just rot away like the one i had at ebloggy. haha.

hur hur, see ya all soon!

*gEok